Fallen Out Boy

06/16/2009 14:09

Ok. So I have a boyfriend who I love more than anything. And I met this guy named Stephen through him. Now I guess Stephen and my boyfriend had some drama way back when and my boyfriend gets mad when I talk to Stephen, even though me and him are good friends what should I do? Stop talking to Stephen are continue being his friend and risk messing up my relationship with my boyfriend?

 -- Matthew

 

 What Mary Says...  What Crystal Says...

Dear Matthew:
 
Not as good as it sounds, is it? Sigh. Why can't life imitate art? In any case, I've been in your situation and it's a toughie.
 
Sounds like your boyfriend has some issues with jealousy and insecurity, which aren't fair to pass onto you. However, if you continue talking to S and hanging out with him, it will cause strife on your BF's part. I don't know if your BF is trying to control you and will eventually start to cut out all friends from your life or if he really has concerns because of this one person. If he only has concerns with this one person then it may behoove you and your relationship to only have casual contact with S when your BF is around.
 
HOWEVER...
 
I need more info, please:
How does BF feel about your other friends (of the same sex)?
Do you know whatever happened between your boyfriend and S?
How would you feel about not talking to S anymore?
 
Please get back to us!                                  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                 

  

 

 

 

Dear Matthew:

Hmmm. Sounds like one of two things could be sparking the issue. First guess is your boyfriend feels like you should be taking his side on this “drama” between him and Stephen. To talk to Stephen is being seen as agreeing with Stephen’s side. My second guess is he’s jealous. However, it’s hard to tell from your post which of the two is the problem.

If it’s the first, I have to say I’ve never been a fan of taking sides or making people choose them. I mean, if the issue is all Hatfield and McCoy and we’re talking someone died, well, then maybe. But general squabbles over the ins and outs of life are not appropriate fodder for having to choose sides, and a good friend or lover should never ask you to do so. Having to choose a side is to allow someone to mark their territory. You might as well be with a canine that has to pee on every tree in the neighborhood so other males can smell its scent.  It’s childish and, I must say, extremely self-centered. So, unless you’re talking what side you’re planning on backing during the Apocalypse, I’d tell your boyfriend that you’re an independent person and you have the strength (if you do) to have a meaningful relationship with both him and Stephen. He’ll have to respect that if he plans on staying with you.

Now, if it’s jealousy that is spawning the rift, as Maya Angelou says, “Jealousy in romance is like salt in food.  A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” If your beau is troubled because of a fear that something might happen between you and Stephen, that’s understandable (especially if there was a past infidelity that would make him more fearful). If this is the case, I’d suggest sitting down and trying to talk to him. Let him know he’s yours and you love him, and he needs worry not. Your boyfriend may never be “ok” with you and Stephen’s relationship, but reassurance from you and time should make it at least bearable for both of you. 

Now, if the anger you mention gets worse (or if it’s at a critical point now) or your man gives you an ultimatum over the whole mess, then you might have a problem. Regardless of gender, the fight for control is a big, big problem in couples. If your boyfriend uses anger or ultimatums to coerce you into action, then he has control issues. Some warning signs that there might be control issues are if you hear things like:

“I can't help being angry.”

You're going to listen to me!"

“I've never felt loved like this by anyone.”

“If you love me, I'm all you need and you're all I need.”

“You’re a whore/slut/bitch!”

If, regardless of the situation or discussion that preceded it, you’re being threatened or put down (emotionally or physically), then you need to leave him, love or not, NOW. Because that type of anger is not going to change (even if he promises it will) until he’s been through a long, long period of counseling. 

Best of luck, Matthew. Please check back in soon and let us know how it goes.  

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