Dear Speak Easy,
I am a woman in my early 30s and have been married for 6 years. My husband is fantastic, has a great job and is a wonderful father to our daughter. It would probably be the ideal marriage, except I have absolutely no desire for sex.
This is not a problem that surfaced after we got married. I've been in long-term relationships before and it was the same story. At the beginning of sex, I get a...shiver for about eight or nine seconds -- then the feeling passes. I don't know whether that would qualify as an orgasm or not because I'm not sure I've ever had one.
I have consulted two psychiatrists. The last one referred me to a sex therapist, but I didn't go. I even tried hypnosis, but it didn't work.
Speak Easy, to be perfectly frank, my lack of interest in sex is putting a strain on my marriage. I don't miss sex, but my husband does. If you ladies can come up with a solution, I would be eternally grateful. -- SEXLESS IN PA
|What Mary Says...||What Crystal Says...|
Honey, it sounds like you need to get in touch with yourself and I do mean that literally. You need some alone time, a Pocket Rocket and good porn.
Only when you feel like you can please yourself can you allow someone else to please you. Your husband is probably feeling like he is doing something wrong since you’re just laying there shuddering wondering if you had an orgasm, and he may wonder if you’re cold or disgusted by his touch. Let me tell you – if you had an orgasm you would know. Your eyes would roll up to the back of your head and you’d be making an “O” face that even John Mayer would be proud of.
Are you under stress? I would look at your life and wonder if there’s something that is turning you off to sex. Maybe it’s the way your husband smells, or the fact that he didn’t clean up the dishes. Small things can annoy us women and make us shut down quicker than a carnival ride during a thunderstorm.
I’d seriously get more in touch with yourself, think about what turns you on, throw on some sexy silky outfit and seduce your husband. Tie him up and tickle him with a feather!
We're gonna need a bigger boat.
You indicated what one of the psychiatrist’s told you, but what about the other?
It is possible that you have a diagnosable sexual illness (yes, they do exist), or you might have a few childhood issues that need sorting out. I recommend checking out a therapist (which is an altogether different experience than going to a psychiatrist), preferably one that has a focus on the psychoanalytical approach, who might be able to delve deeper into any additional symptoms you’re having. Only then could we rule out a medical or mental diagnosis, or any other critical issue that may need to be addressed.
If after all that you've got a clean mental and physical bill of health, it's time to start looking at other options. One of the first options I'd look at is to determine what, and more importantly who (whether it be man or woman), does titillate you.