Papa Was a Rolling Stone

09/15/2010 13:44

I am female 21 yrs and would like to know in detail , how negative father daughter relationships affect your future romantic relationships??? Also can prayer break down these setbacks to these future relationships? –- Lisa 

 What Mary Says...  What Crystal Says...

Dear Lisa:

I don’t know if I can answer your question in detail and I can only go from my own experience. But, I think healthy father-daughter relationships completely affect your future relationships. You base other men on how your father acted/reacted while you were growing up. If your dad was a stand-up guy you’re going to search for people who mimic that. If he was a laze-about, abusive assh0le, well then, you might try to find someone who is the same way since that is what you’re used to.

 The best thing you can do is realize this and be cognizant so that you don’t fall into a less-than-ideal relationship.

 I’m the wrong person to ask about prayer. I don’t believe prayer solves anything besides being a crutch for people too weak-minded or unwilling to deal with their issues head-on.                                        





























Dear Lisa:

Alas, there is not enough room on this page to tell you all the ways a negative relationship with a parent can affect intimacy. You may be unable to get close to anyone, manipulate others to get what you want, or become overly sexual, trying in vain to find the love you need in someone else. Go have a heart-to-heart with a porn star and you’ll most likely find some daddy issues.

But let’s step back here. I’m guessing you’re asking either because you have a crappy relationship with your father or someone close to you does and it’s causing some strain. And what you really want to know is, can you overcome it? The answer is, yes. But in my opinion, not without therapy.

As children, our parents are our gods– they dictate who we will be and are there to support and love us no matter what. They are our home base – our Olly Olly Oxen Free from life’s harshness and judgment. Now, let me be clear. ‘Parents’ here is not necessarily a person’s biological parents, but anybody who serves as a primary caregiver.  So, when one of your parents rejects you in some way, it’s like being banished, becoming utterly alone. It’s our own familial Scarlet Letter. So when this happens, we spend the rest of our lives trying to merge this ultimate rejection with our ego. Why? Because we don’t want to feel like crap all the time. As such, we continually search for ways to feel better about ourselves, whether it’s by rejecting everyone and “saving” our ego from further disappointment, or sleeping with the entire state of New Jersey so that we might feel loved, even for a moment.

Since most of this stuff is done on a subconscious level, a lot of us need a little help. Think you can override your subconscious on your own? DON’T think of the color red. ….. How’s that working out for you?  Prayer? Sure, it can help, because it’s acknowledging your needs and bringing them to the forefront of thought.  But I’d also go see a therapist, counselor, clergy, someone trained to give you aide…because my guess is god created billions of people with differing talents and gifts to make sure you don’t have to go through this alone.  So think of finding them as prayers answered – of divine intervention. Because if you’re rejected by someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally, thinking of red is all you might ever be able to do. And you’ll need someone else to help you find your own rainbow to focus on.          





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