My Own Private Ida-HO

01/05/2010 10:20

I am a 31 year old woman in a same-sex dating situation with a 34 year old woman. The lines of our relationship are very blurry. I guess you can say that the basis of our relationship is a good friendship, mixed with some physical intimacy. I really, really like this woman and I want to push our relationship to the next level. She likes me too, but says that she is not necessarily looking for a relationship at this time because she has been through a lot (separation from wife and their child, incarceration) and wants to focus on herself and her goals. I can respect this; I have accomplished a lot in terms of education/career so I am doing everything I can to help her to elevate herself and achieve her personal goals. However, as we have been spending more and more time together my feelings for her have deepened. I know that she is spending time with and getting to know other women that she is attracted to because she has told me. I am a very sensitive/emotional person. I need security in my life. This situation is causing me a significant amount of stress and pain. It hurts me to know that while I am at home thinking about her, she is out with someone else. My fear is that she is using me as a kind of comfort/security blanket (someone to talk to for hours every day and be physically intimate with) while she is getting to know someone else. I am afraid that once she finds someone she really likes, she will drop me. How should I proceed?

-- Carol

 What Mary Says...  What Crystal Says...

Dear Carol:

Oh, I hate the uncertainty of relationships. "Do they like me? Do they not? Do they love me? Do they want to be with me forever? Are they with me just for the sex and because I make really good macaroni and cheese?"

We all want the same things in life with our partners, I think: acceptance and to be adored. If either of these things goes lacking it can lead to a lot of strife, worry and wonder.

It almost sounds like this might be your partner's first same-sex relationship, which could make her wonder what else is out there and want to experiment.

Have you told her that you want more? She may think that you're ok with being best friends and making out every so often. It might be best for you to lay your feelings on the line and let her know how you feel. See how she responds, but be prepared that she might back off and not want something so serious. At least you would know for sure and could start to heal or move forward.                               

                                   
 
                                     

      

                      

    

 

 

  

  

  

Dear Carol:

What do you call a needy lesbian?

(drum roll)

Single!

(Cymbal crash)

Look, your situation is no different than a heterosexual female asking why her boyfriend won’t commit. Whenever ANYONE is in a relationship where the other person isn’t progressing at the same speed, you gotta ask if it’s worth the wait. There is absolutely nothing you can do to speed up your girlfriend’s mind, and there’s no guarantee that at the end of it all she won’t choose one of the other ladies in her life over you.  But what you can do is assess whether you’re moving too fast (which by the sound of your letter, I’m not sure is the case) and whether or not you’re willing to be the beast to your beauty. I mean, after all, that’s what you’re doing by waiting around – you’re conceding that she is so damn special, you’ll put your whole life on hold for the CHANCE that she’ll want to be with you some day. And I don’t know about you, but that’s an awful lot of special. And maybe she’s totally worth it. Which, if that’s the case, then by all means do what you gotta do. But remember: people usually and without intended malice step on those who allow themselves to be stepped on. So if you decide that she really is not only 100% worthy of your continued adoration but is also more important than you and your feelings, do it knowing that this relationship may still be headed for the same place as my joke…the trash can.

                 

 

                          

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