Mother, Mother, Toil and Trouble

07/23/2009 13:53

Dear The Speak Easy,

I got a surprise phone call from my biological mother the other day. She has done this to me one other time in the last two years. I was taken from her when I was a young child because of her bad lifestyle choices. It has stirred up a lot of emotions in my heart. I just don't know what to do. I am 22 years old now and I think having her in my life would be no way beneficial. -- Toni

 What Mary Says...  What Crystal Says...

Dear Toni:

Our hearts have a way of telling us when a situation is good or bad for us. I've learned to listen to it. Closely. It sounds to me like you've already made your decision by stating that having her in your life would not be beneficial.
 
Answer this: if your biological mother only had six months to live, would you want to spend time getting to know her?
 
Obviously she screwed up badly in the past to have her child taken away. It's not really fair of her to try to come back into your life if she causes damage. It's also possible that she's had an epiphany and cleaned up her act and wants to try to make amends for her past mistakes.
 
Only you can ultimately decide whether to let her into your life. You can set boundaries with her, such as you'll only have phone conversations or correspond via e-mail - that way if you have to cut off contact because of her actions it will be easier than face-to-face.
 
Remember, it's not your responsibility to take care of her needs. You have your own life to get through. Her guilt shouldn't be your burden to carry.                                   

                                     

      

  

 

 

 

   

 

 

 

    

                               

  

  

  

 

 

 

 

  

Dear Toni:

So, except for work, I wear flip flops and chucks like, 99% of the time. Yet, I have this pair of ridiculously supreme, super high and super hot heels in my closet. I bought them because they were on sale and damn did I want to wear them. But every time I try them on, I get this nagging feeling that they’re not me - that I just can’t pull them off. Plus, to be quite honest, since I never tend to wear heels, they hurt my feet after like, 5 minutes. The experience is a lot like being in a bikini. You spend the whole time trying to think of ways to lay so your fat doesn’t ooze out the slats in the chair, and you constantly compare yourself to the other women around, thus inevitably feeling bad about yourself. It just all sucks. So eventually, I return to my flip flops and traipse off to wherever I’m going - comfortable and happy while still in the back of my mind longing for the day when I can sport those awesome ass shoes. They are my ideal. They are what I want, someday, to be the kind of person to be able to wear.

From someone whose mother is…(thinking of something not banned by the FCC)…difficult to talk to and emotionally draining, I can understand your thoughts on keeping yours out of your life. Much like my shoes, I’m not ready, even now, to “wear” the relationship my mother wants with me. Once every few months she pops back up, and I try her on as I do those shoes. And predictably, I return back to the life I know and understand, and with which I’m happy and comfortable.

The question you have to ask is, are you ready for your super bad ass heels? Can you deal with the pain that will come, regardless of how put back together your mom is, from trying on a new relationship that you’re not used to? While with her, will you spend your time feeling uncomfortable and ill at ease, waiting until you can pop back home and put on your comfiest slippers?

Your mother has paid her penance. Losing a child is the worst pain a woman can go through, though some of them won’t realize it until after (and in some case much, much after) their loss. But that doesn’t mean you have to forgive her, or even feel comfortable with her, until you’re ready. Because if you try to sport those shoes before you’re ready, sweetie, you’re just gonna end up with blisters.

 

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