Like (Being) A Virgin

07/09/2009 13:42

Ok so I’m 16 and my bf (J) is 19, he turns 20 the day after I turn 17. I like him a lot, and he says he loves me, but I don’t know. He has dated many girls before, but he's never cheated. He’s very, well, sexual, and we do stuff, but I’m still a virgin, and he's only done it once. My dad knows things about him that I don’t, and says he just wants to get in my pants. But J knows that I don’t want to anytime soon. But my dad says that he would probably break up with me if I don’t "give him any." And dad wants me to break up with him before the summer ends, but I don’t want to, at all. Any advice on that? Or how to change J? Like a way to confront him about it? Thanks.

P.S. Is it bad that I made a fake MySpace to see if he would cheat on me with another girl? I just wanted to make sure he was true.

 -- Anonymous


 What Mary Says...  What Crystal Says...

Dear A:

One of the worst things people can do when they're in a relationship is expect the other person to change to suit their needs. While relationships do require compromise, you can't expect miracles.
Is he trying to get in your pants? You bet. Men are trying to get in your pants from the ages of 12-104. And it's possible he will break up with you if he determines you're not going to give it up. This is a fact of life. Stick with your virtue and don't let yourself get pressured. Believe me, you will remember your 'first' for the rest of your life so at least try to make it a positive experience. 
Your dad has been through and has seen a lot and, as an added plus, he's a guy. He knows the type of person J is, I'd bet, and he's just trying to protect his little girl (from being hurt and getting pregnant). I know you don't see that now and it's frustrating to you, but believe me, parents are smarter than you think. 

Look, it's normal to experiment and I'm all for it. It's one of the most exciting times in a teenager's life. But if you're not comfortable with having sex, don't do it. And for God's sake, don't do it because you want to hold onto this guy. That NEVER works.
If you're building a fake MySpace page to see if J would stray from you that tells me you already have doubts about him, even if you haven't voiced them to yourself. Do you really want your first to be a guy you have to worry about going off with others? No, you deserve better.
In any case, if you do have sex, please make sure you use some form of birth control and INSIST on it. Don't believe a guy when he says he'll pull out in time.
P.S. I think it's great that your dad seems so involved in your life. It might be worth it to sit down to have a real conversation with him instead of a shouting match, and ask him, really, what his reservations are.                                   
























Dear A:

Everyone KNOWS the killer’s in the barn. So why on earth do people go in there?! And yes, this does apply. In your case, let’s assume the killer is all the stupid crap women do in relationships. The barn is all the things that draw you to do that stupid crap. And the victim? It’s you.

The killer…it’s doing something you don’t want to do for fear of losing a relationship. It’s holding onto something (or someone) that’s not right for you just because it’s better alone. It’s jealousy, and ultimately, it’s fear. So whatever you do, don’t get drawn into the barn. Because in that barn is everything that makes a woman lose power and control over who she is and the strength she has.

For starters, don’t let your father goat you in by using a cliché. What he’s telling you is not only a bit crass, but it’s also simplistic. It’s not guaranteed that a boy at 19 just wants to get in your pants. There are couples that were in love at 16 and 19 and went on to have a healthy, long relationship. That said, it is usually true that a man of 19 wants sex. It’s biological and as common as leaves on a tree. Yet by no means should you ever, ever, ever go into the barn by having sex until you’re ready – even if he threatens to break up. If he says you’re out because you won’t put out then he’s not the man for you, regardless of how great you think he is.

But the enemy is not always others. See, trust is a funny thing. People say trust is something that is gained through experience with another person. In your case, the experience says you should trust him, yet you don’t. So, your fake “I’m gonna catch him” page means either a) your instincts radar is going off and you should listen to it and leave, or b) just like almost everyone at your time of life, you are unsure about your value and are scared that you’re not good enough, not “worth” his love, and so he’s going to cheat or leave. I’m going to take my experience on this one and say it’s ‘b’. And here’s my remedy for that - find out who you are. Forget relationships – they only muddle things up. Until you know yourself enough to trust that you are a wonderful, rockin’ lady who doesn’t need a boyfriend, especially if they don’t have your best interests in mind, I would take it easy. I know, I know. You love him. But can you truthfully say, “If I never found love, never got married, it would be ok. It would suck, but I’d be ok.”  Go out, have fun, date! But don’t marry yourself, literally in your mind, or by having sex, to anyone until you’re sure in who you are.

In the end, you need to love yourself enough to know that if he does cheat, he’s a dick and not worth your time. If he tries to guilt or coerce you into sex when you’re not ready, he’s a dick and not worth your time. And if you let your fear of being alone and rejected make you do things like lie and sneak about, then you’re killing the part of you that should be a strong and independent woman.  

There is no way to tell if someone is truly in love with you.  It’s based on faith and an internal voice that says that the two of you have a special connection that can’t be broken. But all healthy relationships are built on trust, and you simply cannot love someone you don’t trust. Because without trust, it’s not love. It’s dependency and fear of being alone that keeps you there. It’s being in the barn, the killer at your throat.




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