I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up

08/21/2009 12:22

I've fallen in love with someone I really shouldn't have. He feels the same, but we don't know whether to act on it because it might hurt others around us. – Nom.

 What Mary Says...  What Crystal Says...

Dear Nom.:

Are you in love with a married man? If you are, run very quickly the other way. No good can come of it and he'll never leave his wife for you, no matter what he promises or says.
With that said, if you're not in love with a married man then I am wondering what your situation could be that would warrant hurt in others around you. A sister's ex? A teacher? A best friend's current boyfriend? Worrying about hurting others doesn't sound like a very good start to a relationship. Can you offer any other details?                          





































Dear Nom.:

Tip #1 - when looking for advice, if you really want advice, you need to provide more details.

Tip #2 – Unless two people are in, like, rival gangs, whenever someone starts talking about “hurting others” because of love, it’s usually not a good sign. Let me explain.

Say you’re A Montague and he’s a Capulet (and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you might think of spending some good, quality time with your local Literature professor). You love each other, but because of some dumbass 100 year family drama, being together is going to cause some loved one emotional pain. THAT kind of hurt is ok, because the hurt is based on some stupid grudge that has nothing to do with either of you and that no one could probably even remember anyway.

That said, based on your striking (and me thinks, purposeful) lack of details, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that’s probably not your situation (if it is, see Tip #1 above). So what’s the real story? Are one of you married? Is he 30 years older than you? Is he a relative? Your best friend's long time beau? A horse?

There are only a handful of situations that I can think of that would constitute blessing a relationship that hurts others, because usually, what is hurting them is something that a good person wouldn’t put on someone else. The pain is not caused by some eon old rancor that has stained the air like the smell of a chicken farm on a hot day - it's usually because the perceived relationship is causing bad things to happen to good people.

Of course, without any details, we can’t know what that pain is, and therefore have no idea of what advice to give other than this: You two need to clean up whatever mess it is that you have going on that would cause the hurt in the first place before even thinking about getting together. If you're in other relationships, get out of them FIRST. If one of you is an ex of a friend, someone needs to man up and go talk to that friend about your feelings FIRST. If it’s a relative or a mammal of some kind - go see a therapist. Whatever the mess is, if it’s true love, you two can weather fixing it. Because, as Lao Tzu so eloquently stated: Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.







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