Hook Up Caused a Shook Up

06/04/2009 08:42

I really like this guy. We have hooked up a few times but we weren't necessarily involved. I hooked up with another guy when I was drunk and the guy that I like is really upset. I had no idea that he had those kind of feelings for me. He means so much to me. I don't want to lose him. I know he's special because we just started hanging out and I already feel this strongly for him. I need help. I don't know how to fix things but I need to more than you could know. 

 What Mary Says...  What Crystal Says...

Dear Madison:

Honestly, when I first read your question I thought that you came across as a little “easy” when you mentioned you got drunk and slept with someone else, but after rereading I realized that Boy Toy #1 was never really your boyfriend. I hate these double standards! When women sleep around we’re deemed sluts. When men do it they’re deemed manly, worldly and experienced. This irritates me. You and Boy Toy #1 had no official title, yet he wants to get pissed off when you hook up with someone else. Why can’t a girl get a little somethin’ somethin’? He really has no right to be pissy, but men do get awfully upset when they think another male is around spilling their seed. All goes back to biology; sexual jealousy destroys a lot of relationships. I don’t know if he’ll be able to shrug this off since he’s so upset and I don’t know if there’s a way you really can fix this. Saying “I’m sorry” and “It won’t happen again” may not suffice.  

 Then again, isn’t it partly his fault since he never asked you to be his steady? Hold on here, Maddy. My brain is clicking. There may be a way out.

 Tell him that you really like him, but you weren’t sure he felt the same and you didn’t want to push the issue because you didn’t want to lose him (you know how men are with commitment). So you went to this party, were upset because you were thinking of him, accidentally got a little too tipsy and ended up sleeping with someone who reminded you of him (wut wut!) and you deeply, deeply regretted it instantly, and even more so now that Boy Toy #1 revealed his feelings to you. Ask him if there’s any way that you two can start off with a clean slate. Look at him with adoring, slightly moist eyes and put your hand on his arm. Don’t sob loudly or come across as too needy. Men hate that. Be an adult: own up to what you did but try to right it. I bet he’ll see the errors of his ways and you’ll build up his ego at the same time. In no time at all you may be having hot makeup sex – this time with an understanding.

Good luck and let me know how it works out!   




Dear Madison,

Did you ever go out with a really, really hot guy, and then you see him crush a beer can on his head, vomit on himself as he’s passing out drunk in a chair, or call one of your best girlfriends the ‘c’ word? Immediately, his stock plummets. There’s a feeling of disappointment because the person you had hoped he was, he ain’t. And when you see him out again, even if he’s all gussied up with a suit and tie heading to an awesome job, the feeling of dismay sticks with you because you know you’re seeing a lie. He’s still that same crass thing you saw. As my grams used to say, it’s like putting lipstick on a pig.

To your friend, what you did is the exact same thing. He was attracted. He was into you. Then you went out, got drunk, and you did your thing. Now he feels like he’s seen the real you.  And apparently, that version of you is not on his “I like” barometer. What he liked before? To him, that was a lie. He got the lipstick-ed pig.

 It doesn’t matter if you were or weren’t together.  If you saw a guy go up and punch a homeless person in the face just for the hell of it, you would (hopefully) deem him a complete dick even if the two of you had never met, had dated for 6 months, or been married for 18 years.

Go back to the beer crushing, vomit ridden hot guy. Even if he sent you roses, read you poetry, and offered you free massages for life, how long would it take you to erase that earlier memory? Sure, you might be able to hang with him, but it would take quite some time to get that other impression out of your head.

And so, if you really like this guy, the only thing you can do is wait. He needs time to make a reassessment of you. Just be yourself and hope that, over time, he once again sees you as the person he hoped you were.                          











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