Go Balls Deep

01/06/2011 09:30

How can I be my ballsy self when I want my family members to think I’m proper, like I’m scared if I don’t act a certain fu**ing way, they won’t talk to me. I have a big concern about this because I don’t have much of a family. Mostly because my family’s fu**ed. But I wanna save what I got, so I’m thinking I gotta change and stop talking and acting the way I am. Even if it costs me to be unhappy. My grandma passed away 3 years ago and my papa 2 years ago they’re from different families though but they were the glue to paper the hearts..or my friends.. I’m growing tired of them, I feel like I don’t even wanna talk to them...like I need something more. Gosh, it’s hard to feel satisfying. I CRAVE something more. And I don’t wanna put stress on my parents, I love them too much. So this is why I’ve searched teen advice chat.. I’m in dire need of advice...I think I know the answers but I need to hear them. Please answer me. -- Mallery 

 What Mary Says...  What Crystal Says...

Dear Mallery:

Wow, I could've written this myself when I was a teenager, or even last year come to think of it. I wish I knew more of what you meant when you say "ballsy self." I don't know if you mean "I want to say what I want when I want and not sugarcoat anything" or do you mean "I want to come to the dinner table in my dominatrix leather with a ball gag in my mouth."
 
I'm going to assume you mean say and do what you want. You want to be 'fierce Madonna,' circa 1995! (Sans the leather and ball gag...although that could make things interesting.)
 
I think you have to get to a point where you no longer have the patience to hide behind a facade. You can be honest with people but not hurtful. You can still keep pieces of yourself but grow and become someone a bit different. Being who you are shouldn't alienate your family and friends, unless, of course, you become a serial killer or something. You might find that they are relieved you come out of hiding; they may sense that you are being someone you are not. Of course there is always the chance that you may lose a friend who may not like the way you are acting. In that case were they ever really a friend at all? Sorry to sound trite.
 
Growing up is difficult at times and it's something we all [should] do until the day we die. People come and go. Parts of you will come and go. You shouldn't spend your life being someone you are not. You don't want to end up a bitter person sitting at the kitchen table chain smoking and drinking wine out of a box, blaming everyone else for your problems and waking up one day to realize you are not that person but it's too late and you die two weeks later. Just sayin'.

  

                    

                     

                        

      

Dear Mallery:

Know thyself. The ancient saying at the Oracle of Delphi was meant to lead people to greatness not just through the understanding of who they are, but through the acceptance of themselves. Through acceptance man would see man without judgment, because in looking within you see that you are all parts – all light and all dark. Think about it, think again about it, and then think about it some more. Ruminate on this piece of wisdom and use it as your mantra. You struggle because your soul is trying to break out of the shell you have forced it in. You may have found some of who you are, but you have not yet accepted it.

Mallery, your family should accept and love you for who YOU are. Not who they want you to be. Now, being “you” doesn’t give you carte blanche to act a fool. If your uncle calls you short, that doesn’t mean you should give him a black eye. And there’s no need to call your aunt a fat cow because she always eats with her mouth open. Civility and being true to yourself can and should coexist within every person. And perhaps, you should give your family the benefit of the doubt and share who you really are with them. From just the love you’ve shared in your letter, I’d say you’ve got a good sporting chance that they’ll love you all the same, ballsy self or not.  

And if not, in the words of Clarissa Pinkola Estes,  "If you are surrounded by people who cross their eyes and look with disgust up at the ceiling when you are in the room, when you speak, when you act and react, then you are with the people who douse passions - yours and probably their own as well." Live your passion, Mallery. Go find whatever it is you crave. And know that those that love you will still love you when you get back.                     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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