Friend's Ex or Ex Friend

07/27/2009 13:15

 My old friend, who acts quite crappy to me on a regular basis, broke up with her boyfriend a while ago. He and I always had chemistry but I would never try to get between them and he would never cheat. But we have been talking a long time and we feel something. He asked me out and I don't know that to do. Thanks. -- Friendly Fire

 What Mary Says...  What Crystal Says...

Dear Friendly Fire:

Are you still friends with your friend? If you're not then I don't see any harm in going out with this guy and seeing what's up. After all, she broke up with him so it's not like she can say anything to you about it. It sounds like she's a bitch anyway. I would always give love/lust a chance.                               









































Dear Friendly Fire:

I was recently talking to a friend who was lamenting over picking out drapes with his wife. In her brilliance, she only showed him her favorites. Of course, she had already made up her mind over which one she wanted, and when he picked a different one, she tried to sway him.

“Are you sure, honey?” “You don’t think it looks too busy?” “You don’t think the pink would clash with our carpets?”

Clearly, the wife had her mind made up but had hoped that, by giving my friend a perceived sense of “choice,” he would end up validating her decision. And if he complained down the road, she could always retort, “Well, you helped me pick them out!”

It’s not a bad thing. We all do it. It’s our failsafe – our way of making a choice but not having to feel 100% responsible for that choice just in case everything goes to shit. And yours my dear is a story much like those drapes. You already know what you want. And the choice of saying ‘no’ has been set up to look unappetizing: Well, the friend has been routinely crappy…and the guy and her have fought long and hard to just be friends but can’t.

How could we say no to that?!

I’m not saying you’re trying to be manipulative. I’m saying that you already know in your heart what you want. I’m sure you’ve heard the familiar adage: Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. Your not-so-flattering description of your “friend” and the tribulation of your failed attempt to stay just friends with your guy indicate your choice. Don’t think so? If we told you no… If we said, never, ever date a friend’s ex no matter what… would you take our advice? Or would you rationalize your decision to date him anyway, because you know deep down you really, really want to. As you’ve said below, you’re not even that great of friends with her anyway – if the term friend even qualifies – and though you and the boy have tried to be apart, like Romeo and Juliet you’re inexplicably drawn together.

I’m not saying you should go for it. Nor am I saying you’re a monster for thinking about dating the guy. What I’m saying is, in this case, my thoughts are quite inconsequential. Go do what you want. Go make your choice. If it fails, learn from it. And if it’s a success, walk away and be proud knowing you followed your heart, despite the consequences.



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