Almost Kissin' Cousins

06/19/2009 09:06

Okay. I'm a fourteen year old girl, who needs some serious/straight forward advice.
I'm totally infatuated with my cousin. He's my age, we're the same in almost everything, we go to each other’s homes often, & the thing is:
I think he's the same way/having the same issue. No, that's not just some illusion or something my obsessive mind concocted. I can't really distance myself, because (believe me) I've tried that. But, my parents insist I go with them to my aunt's & uncle's to visit. He's not "blood-related", but that doesn't make this right. I feel disgusted, repulsed, & any other synonym that could go with those two words, at myself.

-- RadicalDreamer


 What Mary Says...  What Crystal Says...

Dear RadicalDreamer:

Calling all hormones! Come in, hormones! It's normal what you're feeling, so don't feel completely grossed out. Since you said you're a teenager your hormones are raging right now. Mother Nature has this sneaky way of lighting a fire under you: "procreate! procreate! carry on the species!" starting around age 13, and doesn't worry whether or not the objects of your affection may be people related to you.
I very nearly told you to go for it, flirt a bit, maybe sneak a kiss but then I thought to myself, "Mary, do you remember what teenagers are like?" You know as well as I do, Almost Kissin' Cousin, that if you ever, EVER, told any of your friends that you had a crush on your cousin (even if he's not blood related) or made out with him they would be all, "E to the Euwwww! OMG! You did it with your cousin? GROSS." Then you're going to be known as the girl who could only find a cousin who would date her, or any other inane rumors. Kids are awful at this age. That reputation may even follow you until you go to an out-of-state college. High school reunions would be a bitch.
I'd let this one pass. However, fantasies are free and no one has to know what you're daydreaming about. Muhahahaha.























Dear RadicalDreamer:

Whatever you do, don’t think of the color red. And seriously, whatever you do, do not let the image of a bunny pop into your head.

… Waiting…

There, what’d you do? Did you think of red? See a bunny or two hopping around in your mind? That’s because when we tell ourselves not to think of something, that something usually tends to become our single focus. And like, love and lust are no exception.

The fact that your mind is focused on your cousin is, as you stated, a bit of an issue. That he’s not blood-related makes it at least legal, but that doesn’t help if you’re getting grossed out about it (and for good reason) because he’s “family.” But turning your feelings off like a switch just isn’t going to happen. And you’re not bad or wrong or gross or disgusting because you feel this way. It’s ok to feel the way you do. In fact, it’s NORMAL to feel the way you do. Attraction to someone is based on a ton of factors, many of which are just out of your control, such as pheromones and your particular DNA. That said, one of the things that IS in your control is acting on your attraction. 

You must allow yourself to feel the way you feel, just don’t act on it. If you try to stifle your feelings, you’ll only become obsessed by them. And at least right now, being intimate with your cousin isn’t going to bring any good. Your parents aren’t going to understand, and being a teenager is hard enough without having to deal with the complexities of boundary issues as intricate as having an intimate relationship with a “semi” family member. 

As for acting on your feelings, just try to avoid being alone with your cousin for any reason. And if you start to notice the two of you getting too close physically, go stand around your parents for a bit. Being around parents is the quickest and surest way to immediately halt physical desire.  

But take note: If in a few years you still have the same feelings for your cousin, then you might entertain looking for more in the relationship. If he truly isn’t blood related and, after 4 or 5 years the feelings remain, there might be something there worth looking at. Because as you become an independent adult, dealing with those boundary issues becomes, at least in some part, easier to handle. And in the end, you never know what (or who) the fates have put in your path for you.                           


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